Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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