I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Randomize
