so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
