I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
