Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
