sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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