1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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