Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
