Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
