I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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