There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
