I'm pants shitting drunk right now
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
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My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
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What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.