I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
