My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
