I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
