Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
