I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
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he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
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So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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