Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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