I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
