Non-Jews are for practice
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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