Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I use my feet as sexual weapons
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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