I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
