the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
