Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
