maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
