I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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