someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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