I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
