I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
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i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
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I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize