you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
