I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Randomize
