Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
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