I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
