so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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