It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
So vagazzling was a success
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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