I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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