Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
