you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
