I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
she looked like the before picture.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
