The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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