I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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