So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
