God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She bit a glass in half.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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