I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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