Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
