how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
In America we eat man semen.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
