I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
