I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I love you. Go after that dick
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