once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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