I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
