You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
