I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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