Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
