there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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