I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Randomize
