Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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