she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
